Picking Up the Pieces
by Lzn64
Summary: (Seisen) He knew it had been a mistake to hope he had a chance... but he could still recall the look in her eyes, and it tore him apart to think that gaze would never be for him alone.


Author's Note: Fire Emblem is the property of Intelligent Systems and Nintendo. One sided AzelxEdin angst, and some Lex and Azel friendshippy stuff follows.

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It wasn't much... but at the same time, it was everything. He closed his eyes, and brought the flowers to his face for what seemed like the thousandth time in just the past few minutes. The overwhelming scent of warm vanilla, of summer and sunshine, of what he wanted most... of what reminded him so clearly of_ her_. It was a poor substitute for the real thing, when it came down to it, but for the moment, it would suffice. He smiled, inhaling the scent, a faint smile playing at his lips as he dared to let his mind wander, to linger briefly on the dreams he'd harbored so long that they were intrinsically a part of him now. There was no him without her. He grinned -- if Lex heard that, he'd roll his eyes and call him a hopeless nutjob in that dismissive voice of his. _

_He'd also tell him to suck it up and tell her, already. _

_His smile faded, and he opened his eyes. _

It seemed like so long ago, now. He could still recall the soft petals against his skin, and the sun warming his cheeks, along with a faint blush. He never could keep himself from doing that when it came to her, could he? It was one of the points Lex loved to bring up to torment him every so often; mainly because it worked so well. The warmth was gone; the sense of summer he'd enjoyed so replaced by a wintery chill at his core, and the light that had lit his life for as long as he could remember nothing but a dark void, a bitterly joyless hole that had settled itself where his heart had once been.

He could still remember how it had felt before, but the memories seemed so far away.

The blush on his cheeks was gone; tears had taken its place.

_He'd been telling him that for ages, now, but Azel had always been full of excuses. He was very good at finding those when it came to... particular matters. He took a deep breath, calming his nerves -- if they were already jittering at the thought of what he was supposed to do next, he couldn't imagine the mess he'd be when... well. There was one redeeming thought to cling to -- and cling he did -- Edin always did seem amused by his bashfulness around her. He'd blush all she wanted, and take all the teasing in the world... if only to make her laugh. Even a soft smile from her was enough to send a thrill of euphoria through him -- she was so beautiful when she smiled. _

_His grip on the delicate stems of the flowers he held tightened, though not enough to cause them harm. He wanted everything to be perfect, after all. _

_The first steps were the hardest. After those, the rest of the walk seemed strangely simple... nevermind the sense of detachment that accompanied it. He felt light headed; he felt silly, stupid... but something about the scent of those flowers spurred him on. He felt intoxicated. He'd have to be, after all, to try something this mad. _

He buried his face in his hands; his elbows rested on the hard wood of the table before him. The others were gone... gone to sleep, gone to be with their lovers, their friends. He didn't blame them, but he couldn't help but feel a sudden twinge of jealousy. They had no idea how lucky they were... how much he would have given to be half as fortunate as any one of them. His eyes burned with unshed tears, and he furiously held them back.

He'd always been teased -- however good naturedly -- for being the weak one. He wasn't going to cry over this. It was what everyone would have expected of him, and he wanted desperately, for once, to prove them all wrong. That he was strong.

That he could handle his entire world crashing down around his head without going to pieces over it.

His hands ran through his hair, a disheveled mass of red that smelled faintly of sweat and sorrow. His mind refused to stop playing the scene in his mind, a scene he was sure would haunt him for the rest of his life. He wondered if he'd dream about it. He wondered if he'd ever get to sleep in the first place.

_A polite inquiry and a pointed finger told him where to go; how he managed to get there, he'd never fully understand. This was as close as he'd ever gotten, now -- before now, this was always when he came to his senses, the point where he stood back and shook his head, walking away and telling himself he'd do it next time. He'd tell her next time. _

_And Lex would raise an eyebrow, and Azel would shake his head... and his friend would always look so disappointed. But not surprised. Timid little Azel -- why should it be surprising? _

_He shook his head. His legs felt like lead, and his heart threatened to beat right out of his chest. He could hear it pounding in his ears, and feel it simultaneously dropping to the pit of his stomach and attempting to claw its way to stick uncomfortably in his throat. He swallowed, and took a step forward. The farthest he'd ever gone. _

_A trembling hand moved to the brass knob of a wooden door; he vaguely noticed how _ornate_ the designs were, somewhere in the back of his floundering mind. Fitting for the princess he was told waited beyond that threshold -- the princess he wanted so desperately to make his own. _

His breath hitched, and he could feel himself losing that war in his own mind, the war against the tears that were gathering en masse behind his shut eyelids. He dared not open them, but he could feel the hateful things clamoring at him, gathering at the corners of his eyes, just on the brink of squeezing free. His palms pressed roughly against his face, as though he could physically hold them back.

He had never had a chance. She was a princess, and he had never been a prince. The only thing he'd ever been was a bastard mage priveleged enough to have some measure of Fala's blood running in his veins; the soiled spot on House Velthomer that everyone would have been happy to forget about. He'd been setting himself up for this from the beginning, and he'd always known it.

But why did confirming the things he'd always known hurt so badly?

_The door swung open silently, and his eyes lit immediately upon the sight he'd wanted to see -- that beautiful golden hair, tumbling untamed to hide a slender figure... her back was turned to him, and he opened his mouth to call her name, to call her attention to him. He wanted to see her face. Fala, how he wanted to look into those eyes, until he drowned in their depths and the world around him ceased to exist, to have meaning. Everything that wasn't her was meaningless. _

_But his voice caught, and his eyes, unwillingly, found something else to focus on -- the sight he had never wanted to see. Eyes bore into his own, pools of dark light that froze his voice in his throat and the blood in his veins. A severe face, framed by crimson hair... the color of dried blood, of shattered hopes and dreams and desires. He said nothing, but Azel understood. _

_"Jamuka...?" _

_Her voice, an angelic sound that he'd heard so often in the past, speaking a name he would have given anything to make his own. A name he suddenly hated, with his entire being, with intensity that would have frightened him if he'd been thinking clearly. Jamuka. A thief. A dirty, rotten-- _

_She reached up to caress that man's face, and Azel took a step backward. Jamuka's eyes never wavered, never wandered from his own. Azel wondered if he understood; if he knew what he'd stolen from him. If he knew that he'd taken everything. _

_"Is something the matter...?" She raised her face to his, and only then did that man's eyes stray, to look into those of the woman he loved, to light on the sight Azel had only wanted to see once more. Their lips met, and Azel heard his harsh gasp, felt the flowers clutched so tightly in his grasp fall pathetically to the floor. Their scent was making him sick, now. He vaguely thought that it was a good thing he'd been too nervous for lunch, though it would have been a fitting end, to embarrass himself that way in front of the woman he loved. The woman that would never be his, now. _

_Edin stiffened, and he saw those beautiful golden tresses swing as she spun, turning to face him, and he looked into those eyes at last. _

His head pounded furiously, and the heat gathering behind his eyelids grew to a searing intensity. He could feel tears leaking to fall over his face, leaving wet trails on his cheeks, falling silently to pool on the table beneath him. A fist formed, and he slammed it down without realizing it, scattering his fallen tears and prompting a sudden and satisfying thud that rang throughout the empty stone chamber. A cold castle chamber. He couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

"By Fala's sacred searing flame..." He muttered, ignoring the dull pain in his hand, "Why do I have to always be so _weak!" _His anger didn't stop the tears, and he reached up to brush them furiously away. His voice sounded hollow, even to his own ears, echoing tonelessly off the walls around him.

There was no answer, of course, for he had none.

If he'd been a little bolder... if he'd been a little quicker. Perhaps if he'd been more charming? If he'd dressed differently, if he'd carried himself better, if he'd studied harder, if he'd been more protective, been less like himself, been more like _him_. Perhaps if he'd learned the bow, and built some muscle? Would Edin have looked at him that way then?

The fire went out of his gaze, and a sigh escaped him, sorrow once again taking the place of anger. There was no use being angry. Of course, there was no point for useless tears, either, but he couldn't dismiss those so easily, could he? He'd lost the battle, now, and he leaned forward to cross his arms over the table, to rest his head there, and his shoulders shook with his sobs.

_The eyes are like windows to the soul, he thought faintly, as he stared into hers. They'd always been so crystal clear to him before, shining with everything he'd always loved about her. They were clouded, now -- first by confusion, then by surprise. Her gaze flickered briefly to the flowers fallen at his feet, and now there was understanding. And sorrow. Overwhelming sorrow, but not the sort that reflected his own. This was sorrow born of regret, not for her choice, but for what she'd never noticed before -- a schoolboy crush that she could have never taken seriously, that she knew now she should have put out from the start. That was her regret. He stumbled backward, a mumbled apology on his lips. He hated to see that sorrow in her eyes. To cause her to assume that clouded visage. _

_"Azel--" She untangled herself from her... her lover, Azel thought bitterly, and took a few steps forward. Jamuka let her go -- and why shouldn't he? He exuded confidence in the same way Azel knew he did the same with defeat. "Azel, wait..." _

_"I'm sorry," He managed, fumbling for the knob he had admired only moments earlier. It seemed far more mundane now -- the entire world seemed to lose its color around him, its beauty replaced by a stagnant shade of gray. "I'm... Edin... I'm sorry." I'm sorry I waited so long. I'm sorry I couldn't find the courage to tell you sooner. I'm sorry for interrupting. I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry... _

_He shut the door behind him, and if she tried to follow, he never knew. As soon as she was out of his sight, he ran, repeating those words in his mind like a mantra. _

How he had managed to avoid everyone the rest of the day was somewhat of a mystery; their group had grown in size, now, and their base was always bustling with people poking in and out. It was something small to be grateful for; a tiny grain of sand sinking into an ocean of despair. He sobbed, his tears soaking the fine fabric of his clothes, and he hated himself for it. For his stupidity, for his weakness, for this childish display.

He only noticed the hand on his shoulder because it was so very out of place. Wasn't he alone? Wasn't that part of the reason for all this? His head lifted, and he attempted to swallow his sobs, to no avail.

"Azel..."

Oh, perfect.

"L-Lex," He nodded, his voice trembling. At this time of night, everyone should have been asleep. He was almost angry at his friend, but another part of him was coming to light, now... a part of him that had been starving for companionship, for i someone /i to share this pain with. He couldn't bear it alone. His hands tightened into fists again, and the tears continued to come. He didn't want to cry in front of his friend, but he couldn't seem to stop.

"Hey, Azel..." His hand dropped from his shoulder, and he leaned over the table, to look into his friend's face. Azel looked away, embarrassed, raising a hand to scrub at his eyes. The tears wouldn't stop coming.

"Sorry," He offered, managing to work the tremor from his voice, much to his surprise. "...What are you doing up?" He had to start somewhere.

"Oh, come on..." A glance revealed a rather irritated look on Lex's face; it was fitting... sympathy had never been one of his strong points. "You've been down here this whole time, cryin' fit to fill a river, and the first thing you're gonna say to me is_ that?" _ He pulled up a chair, and sat beside him, his look softening a bit despite his words. "...Gimme a break, Azel."

"What do you want me to say?" he replied, his gaze carefully trained on the floor, unable to meet Lex's eyes when his own were still swimming with tears. "Here I am, all right? Weak, childish little Azel, too much of a baby to accept things the way they are, bawling like a child. What do I need to say that you can't already see?" His breath hitched, and he felt himself blush. And that reminded him of her, and that brought the tears back full force. He cursed furiously under his breath.

"For starters, it'd be nice to know what the hell the damn problem is in the first place," Lex peered at him, brows furrowed. "Though I suppose I could hazard a guess."

"Surprised the whole company doesn't know by now," Azel mumbled in response.

"...Edin?" Lex raised an eyebrow, and Azel nodded miserably beside him, resting his face in his palms again. "...Thought so. I saw her and Jamuka earlier, and... ah, sorry. I guess you didn't need to hear that."

"I already knew," Azel murmured, shaking his head. "I walked right in on them like an idiot, thinking I was going to -- I don't know, declare my undying love?" He would have laughed, if he hadn't been too busy crying. "What kind of idealistic drabble is that... no one in their right mind would take a child like me seriously..."

"Now, that ain't true," Lex contradicted him, frowning. "Azel... look, I'm sorry for this whole thing. I know you've been... well... I've teased you about often enough, haven't I? I'm sorry for that, too--" he looked uncomfortable, now, and any other time Azel would have been busy memorizing every detail about the moment – _Lex,_ out of his element? It was priceless. "--but you'll realize, once you're done feelin' sorry for yourself... there are other fish in the sea, Azel."

"You can't look at me and say that -- what do you know about it!" Azel shook his head in denial, although part of him knew that he was right. "You don't understand -- how would you feel if you saw Aira somewhere, cozying up with another guy?"

"Well, hey now..." Lex's expression darkened, and Azel nodded with satisfaction.

"You see? But you don't have to worry about that, do you?" he lowered his head again, angrily wiping at his eyes once more. "You got what you wanted with her, didn't you? You don't understand a thing."

"...Would you rather I left?" Lex inquired mildly, and Azel noted with surprise that his friend seemed genuinely hurt. He blinked. That wasn't like Lex.

"...No," he admitted, softly.

"All right then," Lex offered, and they sat in silence for awhile. Strangely, it didn't feel awkward, crying his eyes out in front of Lex -- he thought it would have mortifying, but... there was something different about the entire tone of the situation. And so he cried, and Lex sat there, his hand returning to his shoulder at some point, offering what comfort he could with his presence. It shouldn't have, but having a witness to his sorrow made the whole thing seem more... valid, somehow. More cleansing.

"...I had found these flowers..." He began slowly, haltingly, when he trusted himself to speak. Lex remained silent beside him, fixing him with a mild gaze, nodding at him to go on. "I should show you them, sometime... you'd be amazed at how much they smell like... ah... her."

He blushed. He probably sounded stupid, but he couldn't stop now.

"I was thinking about all those times you told me I should just tell her already... and well, I was sitting there smelling those flowers and I thought, maybe you were right. Maybe I should try proving to everyone that I can take a little initiative sometimes, that I can take a few risks..."

"We wouldn't be here in the first place if you weren't willing to do that," Lex pointed out quietly, and Azel blinked for a moment, realizing he was right.

"...But..."

"Go on," He prompted, and Azel nodded.

"So I gathered up some of those flowers, thinking I'd hand them over like a hopeless romantic... I don't know. I thought she'd be impressed by them, I guess. Stupid, since what guy doesn't pass out flowers to show his affection? Completely uninspired -- and don't you open your mouth," Azel warned, as Lex did just that, "Because I know you and Aira'd rather spar than exchange sappy tokens, all right?"

Lex grinned, and Azel almost found it in him to return the gesture. Almost. But he wasn't finished, yet.

"But when I got there... well, you can imagine what happened -- she was in there with... with _him, _ and I... I just lost it. Almost tripped right over myself to get away -- she _kissed _him, Lex, right there in front of me, and _he _knew I was there, but he didn't say anything..."

"...Damn, that's cold," Lex offered sympathetically, and Azel nodded miserably in agreement.

"And... I don't know... I... I guess I should have seen it before... I'd seen them together, but I never thought..."

"...Yeah."

"I j-just..." tears, again, and he was powerless as usual to keep them at bay. "I thought I'd f-finally have the courage to say what I'd always wanted to say, and instead, something like _that_..."

"Hey..." Lex's grip on his shoulder tightened, and he seemed to struggle for words. "Look, it's all right, Azel... I've got all the respect for you in the world for going for it in the first place. I never thought you would."

"...Thanks?" Azel wiped at his eyes again, raising an eyebrow in Lex's direction.

"I'm just sayin' that it'd be a shame if you lost all that confidence you somehow managed to find today just because of this."

"You expect me to be _confident_ after this!"

"Come on, Azel -- this isn't you, you know it's not. You've always been tough. You'll bounce right back and sooner or later you'll notice that quite a few of the ladies we've come across have pretty faces..."

"They won't be as pretty as hers," Azel insisted, though part of him was still reeling over the fact that apparently _Lex_ of all people thought _he _was tough. Lex shrugged.

"If you say so, but I'd say you're damn mistaken."

"You'd better. I'd hate to think what Aira would say if you didn't."

"Hey... that's not what I..." Lex frowned, and Azel _did _manage a smile, then, despite the tears. Through the tears.

"Hey, I'm just teasing you, Lex..."

"Well. I suppose if it makes you feel better I'll let this one slide," Lex crossed his arms, though his severe expression couldn't stifle his grin.

And though he could feel the tears drying on his face, and his heart still felt empty... he could feel the cold seeping away, the sense of loneliness slipping, and he found the longer he held it, the easier his smile was to maintain.

After all, tomorrow was another day, and he had his friends to help him pick up the pieces, and start again.


End file.
